Some of you have heard of the Marshall Plan, the American aid program that helped rebuild Europe after World War II. But none of you have heard of the Kannegal Plan which I have devised and which will solve Europe's economic crisis.
The crisis in Europe is because some European governments have been earning less (through taxes) than they spend. They have been doing this for a while, resulting in a mountain of debt. Now they have no money left to service their debt. This is worrying everyone else because almost everyone else has lent to these bad boys. The bad boys are the governments of Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, and Spain. At the same time, the Occupy Wall Street movement is angry with the 1%, the Italians are embarrassed by Berlusconi, the Indians are hopping mad about corruption, the Swiss are growing older and my Swiss watch that costs as much an iPad is losing time.
So here is my plan, the Kannegal Plan, which will solve all these problems in one fell swoop. I will not go into all the numbers which will only bore you; just a summary. Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece and Spain have approximately USD 4000 Billion of debt. (I am deliberately not using the acronym for these countries since I plan to holiday in all of them at different points in my life and do not want to risk getting my visa rejected for saying something derogatory on the Internet). If they can somehow pay up USD 1000 Billion, Europe will return to normal which means they will get back to working four days a week and riding bicycles to work. And here is the thing. The government of Switzerland has USD 400 Billion in reserves. And Swiss banks have USD 2000 Billion of money from other countries stashed away in their vaults. You see where I am going with this.
The Kannegal Plan is simple.
Invade and occupy Switzerland. Take all the government reserves and pay off the debts of Greece, Portugal etc. Take out all the money in Swiss banks, pay off some more European debt and give the rest to governments of countries where the money originally came from. Do not give anything back to the depositors since they are all crooks anyway. Just send them a cuckoo clock and a letter telling them how all the sins of the past always come back to haunt you.
You are now wondering why Switzerland should pay for the wrong-doing of other European countries.
The reason the Swiss should pay for Europe's debt is simple. Switzerland is the world's fence. For those who have not read James Hadley Chase, a "fence" is someone who buys from a thief and sells on the open market for a high mark-up. Switzerland, through the Swiss banks, fences ill-gotten wealth from around the world. They have prospered by living off criminals … how evil is that? Stealing from a fence is the noblest thing to do. Moreover, invading Switzerland and closing down all the Swiss banks will certainly reduce organized crime around the world.
You are now thinking, “That’s a reasonable explanation, but who will lead the invasion?
Obviously Berlusconi.
Because Berlusconi needs to redeem himself. What better way to redeem himself than to lead an invasion into Switzerland and free Italy and all of Europe from the economic crisis.
“Berlusconi and what army?” you ask.
Well, he will march with all his girl-friends, both under-age and above the legal age, into Switzerland. He will be inspired by Hannibal, who marched over the Alps on his giant mounts. Except Berlusconi and his mounts, in a manner of speaking, will walk in the opposite direction. I am including the under-age girls too because by the time they trek across the Alps they should be above the legal age. In any case, should Berlusconi be arrested for dallying with under-age girls after he invades Switzerland, he can take Roman Polanski’s help to argue in court and be released.
And how can Berlusconi and his girls occupy Switzerland when the Swiss army is guarding the borders?
Don't make me laugh. The only thing the Swiss army is known for is the Swiss army knife. They have not fought a battle in 200 years. A Berlusconi led march into Switzerland will be able to walk into Switzerland without a bullet being fired. Do bear in mind that this man and his beautiful friends have allegedly spent the entire night performing acts of physical exertion that most armies in the world would find difficult to match.
Once the Swiss banks are cleaned out, Indian's will have far less corruption, the Occupy Wall Street movement will now represent the 98% because now 2% of Americans will own 98% of the wealth, the Swiss will stop being an ageing population because Berlusconi's entourage is full of beautiful girls and with him at the helm of Switzerland, the Swiss will rediscover the joys of reproduction.
And most importantly for me, no one in the world will be conned into buying a Swiss watch any more. The damn Swiss watches are what got my goat about the Swiss in the first place. I bought a watch which cost as much as an iPad and the bloody thing is losing time. And the service center guys do not know how to fix it. In a further lapse of reason, I went out and bought another watch that costs more than an iPad but stops working the moment I take it off. Apparently it does not have a battery and only works on body heat. Can you believe that? Needless to say I am furious. How can a watch that only shows time be more expensive than an iPad and yet does not show time most of the time? I assumed they are profiteering by selling lousy watches for a lot of money. But that does not make sense either because the Swiss watch companies and the Swiss government together have less cash with them than Apple has.
Again Berlusconi to the rescue. Since he is a smart business man, he will mandate that all Swiss watch factories stop making watches and assemble iPads instead. This way they make more money and keep customers happy.
And for my untiring efforts in devising the Kannegal Plan, I just got a call from Stockholm. Wondering what I should wear when I receive the Nobel. Maybe the Swiss made iPad which only works if you cuddle up with it because it needs body heat?
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